Nothing to say

I've been AWOL for the last couple days.  Nothing is going on - which is exactly the point - nothing is going on.

The morphine puts me to sleep, but the dosage is too low to solve the pain problem. I see the oncologist tomorrow and want to discuss the medication issue. If he would increase the Fentanyl pain patch I wouldn't need so much - if any - morphine.  I often take five or six additional doses of morphine just to get some stability. The morphine is supposed to be for breakthrough pain once the patch keeps me pain-free most of the time.

I did go to church this morning after missing the previous two Sundays.

Part of me continues to be in total denial about my situation, another recognizes that I'm going downhill.  I was in remission until October 2011 when a tumor was discovered and removed from my bladder.  Then I restarted chemotherapy. The following October 2012 I had radiation to the bladder and have been in pain ever since. A tumor was removed from the bowel and that healed quickly.  The pain I'm always wingeing about these days is the inflammation of the bladder - that's what keeps me on Fentanyl and morphine.  It's actually just one small area.

Tomorrow I return to Juvenile Hall for the second time. It's almost an entirely new group now.  I restructured it so it would be worth everyone's time but involve less preparatory work to set things up.

And so it goes....