Pulling on up

I will know that life is on the upswing when I get through one entire day without crying.  Yesterday the Family Medicine Doctor put me back on an antidepressant because I was telling her all my stories about waking up in the middle of the night crying over something or other. The only problem is that antidepressants typically take about three weeks to kick in and I need help now!

We walked around the block this evening -1/3 mile - and I ate something, if not heartily, throughout the day.  I had several calls for morphine, but nothing overly dramatic.  Most of the crying was about fear and panic.  I just don't know how long this eye thing is going to last and, right now, it's my biggest problem.  Activities that I enjoy - reading, blogging, drawing, writing letters and notes - are much more difficult when only one eye is functional and being challenged by the lopsidedness of everything.

This morning I had every intention of attending church.  I was up and dressed and, at the last minute, realized this wasn't going to work.  I had visions of myself wrapped in a blanket with a pillow on the pew.  I was just too wobbly and could never sit up for an entire hour.  So I cancelled - Steve had seen it coming, but I was disappointed all the same.  I've been counting my communities, and church is one of them.  Family, classes sometimes, the community at large (all 10,000 of us), the Coping with Cancer group, etc. It's important to belong, and I'm becoming more appreciative of that day by day.

But this morning I missed an opportunity to participate in belonging.