Five minutes later - disaster - or so I thought. It was time for pain meds, liquid morphine, and the doctor had forgotten to order it! I was immediately in meltdown #1,000 - I am so fragile these days - and thought my gut would split open from the pain. Fortunately I had other meds here at home - not as strong, not as fast - and I'm relatively comfortable while Steve is hightailing it back to Santa Rosa. The text I just received says the mistake was corrected and he is on his way home. I cannot tell you what that initial panic was like - me with a broken belly and no meds for the pain!
I am so very happy to be in my own home. We don't have bells and alarms and announcements here. We are pretty quiet folk. On the other hand, I've lost my staff! Never have I had so many folks caring for me at one time. It was days, weeks, over a month of generosity and warmth, good-natured concern and nonstop kindness. I am truly grateful and will be appreciating so many for months to come. Truly, it's overwhelming just to stop and take a moment to reflect on all who came my way to help me, calm me, soothe and heal me.
Now it's my job. I returned home in a good state, fragility aside. I want to live, that part I know. I am willing to do what I can to develop a solid exercise program and to follow the nutrition guidelines suggested by my surgeon. It was my primary care physician who mentioned strengthening a spiritual path and there have been others, many others, who offered suggestions for the way forward. Cancer is unpredictable even when statistics show predictable patterns, but my intention is to do my best to protect myself from future recurrences. I'll even be obsessive about it - I have to be if I want to increase my chances of survival - but it's worth it to me, I really want to live.