Does it have to be this or that?

Caretakers have a difficult lot.  Take Steve, for example.  Since his retirement he has taken over the laundry and cooking.  But this year, this whole year that I've been on one sort of treatment or another, he's also taken me to appointments, made the bed, kept the yard watered and weeded, tended the chickens, walked the dogs, escorted Youngest Daughter to her day program, vacuumed, dusted, and who knows what else.  When it comes to steppin' up to life, he's an obvious model.

Sometimes, in moments of gratitude and appreciation, I say things like, "I hope I can do as much for you if you ever need help."  But it always falls hollow because no one (except me) expects me to be around long enough to witness his decline.  But the chance to reciprocate is still one of my goals.

Lately, however, we've gotten into a bit of a wrangle.  He says things like, "You're doing too much" - because I'm flattened after a day of exertion.  And I answer with things like, "But what's the point of staying alive if I can't do the things that bring me joy?"

We both have valid points.  I'm not sure if it's coincidence or correlation - there hasn't been enough time to observe - but lately it does seem as though a long day is followed by bed rest.  Steve says things like, "Your present job is to get well" and that also makes sense.  However, what if the rest of my days are like this and I perpetually defer doing what I enjoy because I was striving to get well?

And so it goes, a wrangle, as I said.  We have agreed on a solution.  I'm trying very hard to strategize.  I really want to be out of the house a couple hours every day - for fun or errands, it doesn't matter - but that might be my limit.  Or, if something major comes up - like my recent treks to Sacramento and Davis - I need to unschedule the following days so I have time to pull it back together.

I've never had to live like this before, planning and finagling bits of energy out of myself.  And that, of course, brings up the other solution that can be done at the same time:  Build up energy.  Walking daily, for example, helps me have more energy to expend in the first place if I don't walk marathons on Day One.  Just walking a grateful dog around the block a couple times during the day helps me a lot.

And so, while my job is getting well, and while I struggle to do what's most important to me, and while I hope to stay alive to care for Steve should the need arise, those are the sorts of plans I have.  Walk more.  Do something each day.  Find the balance between activity and rest.  Trust me, this is more difficult than it sounds.