ONE HAPPY FOOL

Happy to be here

2012-02-20T19:28:00.000-08:00

This was a great day. I felt fairly well, saw clients and went to Juvenile Hall. The kids couldn't have been more responsive and participated willingly. I had just enough energy to get me through my day and now it's okay that I'm back on the sofa with one eye on CNN - to see what I missed when I was locked in.

Waiting in hope

2012-02-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

If I sleep much more I'll sleep away all of 2012. Today it's due to prescription cough syrup which I absolutely need, but it makes me very drowsy, even in small amounts.

Except for the cold, I don't actually feel bad and plan to return to work tomorrow. I haven't seen the kids at Juvenile Hall for two weeks and my attendance has been irregular because of the chemotherapy cycles. I can never seem to pull it together on the 7th day which always falls on a Monday. Tomorrow is the 14th day so I have no excuse.

Yesterday we took Youngest Daughter to visit a group home in Windsor and hope that she will be admitted. She would be the fourth and last client, all young women. We met two of the girls, including her perhaps roommate, and it definitely felt like a compatible mix. An overnight visit has been tentatively scheduled for Saturday night. The home is lovely and the owner considers care providing to be her full-time job. She has a very hands-on approach, never leaves anyone home alone and does all the chauffeuring to jobs and day programs. If an errand needs to be run all the girls go along. There are three cute lap dogs that slept while we chatted. We were there for 2-1/2 hours and got a nice feel of the home. As it turned out we know a former resident and had several other acquaintances in common.

Next step: the overnight on Saturday.

One day at a time

2012-02-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

The goal today was to keep it calm. Youngest Daughter went back to work, I snuffled my way through the day and Steve is trying not to be the next victim.

It's just a cold, it's just a cold - but the truth is that the cold is making me much more miserable than any side effects from chemotherapy! Keep that in mind. Should you ever be diagnosed with the big C - and I hope you aren't - the chemo may well be easier than the common cold.

Somehow that gives me no comfort at all...

(Further) under the weather

2012-02-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

No surprise, with a weak immune system of course I caught Youngest Daughter's cold. She'll return to her day program and job tomorrow after three days of the sniffles and a hacking cough, and then I'll move the vaporizer from her room to ours. I've cancelled five hours of work so far this week, I just haven't been up to it.

President Obama is just 60 miles away in San Francisco. He's welcome to come over after dinner for a cup of tea - I'd like to tell him that Oldest Daughter just got a new job! - but I'd hate to give him my cold....

Kicking up heels

2012-02-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

Cut me some slack and just enjoy a dancing dog video (with sound turned on). I'm a sucker for those, mostly because I just can't imagine how many hours of training would go into making it happen. I mean, I haven't been able to teach myself how to dance, let alone my dogs.

Another day, another medical appointment. In this case the news was good. One of the tumors is definitely gone. That's better than the last report where progress was happening, but slow. Sometime in March I'll learn if I really am done with chemotherapy or if more cycles are indicated. At least I know that I've turned the corner on the current one and am feeling more energetic each day.

And the weather was gorgeous, very springlike with blossoms everywhere.

After the storm

2012-02-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

They let me out today, or at least that's what it felt like. I had to go to the medical center for a nadir blood draw and, while I was on the loose I managed some minor retail therapy. You can always use new art supplies, right?

Youngest Daughter was too ill for work, but is up and about. Last night was the first night in months that I slept solidly and wasn't worried that the phone would ring or there would be emails and texts to deal with as soon as I woke up. She was asleep in her bed, I knew she was fine (except for the cold) and the house was calm.

The three of us had dinner together when I returned and played another several hands of gin rummy. You probably think that's all we ever do. You would be right, we keep a running tally and play often when YD is here.

Home again, home again

2012-02-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

Youngest Daughter returned home today and she was singing-in-the-shower happy to be back. She has a dreadful cold, so she's the wrong person for me to be around, but at least she's here. Steve made his very special macaroni and cheese as the most welcoming taste of home dinner and then we played several more rounds of gin rummy.

I figured out - within the first hour - why her blood sugars were spiking. She arrived about 11:00 so lunch soon followed. She checked her blood sugar and told me how much insulin she needed. "That doesn't sound right," I said and reached for the sliding scale chart that is easier for her to manage. Sure enough, she was going on memory and was going to use exactly half of the dosage that she needs.

"Is this what you've been doing, just going by memory and not looking at the chart?" Yep. It takes maybe one half of one second to yank her chart out of the pouch where she has already removed the meter and insulin, but she likes to cut corners. I guess I should be grateful that she halved the dosage instead of doubling it, which would have been lethal. I wish her care provider had glanced at the chart herself instead of assuming that YD was managing with accuracy.

I am so frustrated! I know there are people in this world who can care for her, but it feels like I'm the only one who can.

What's next?

2012-02-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

Youngest Daughter is returning home tomorrow and will wait for a suitable group home instead of being the only client. She gets too lonely and is left alone too much and is truly unhappy. It's been more stressful hearing about her mishaps - getting into food when unattended and running up her glucose levels - than it is to have her here and take care of her.

It was her idea, her begging, to leave that started the search for an alternative living situation away from parents, but so far it hasn't worked. If her blood sugar is high, I just deal with it but her care provider insists on calling a doctor and then sends messages to a list of people about how difficult that is. Clearly, she's had it. I can't wait to have our daughter back.

As if that's not enough, Brix and Demi ate raisin bread so I just gave them syrup of ipecac and am waiting for them to barf. Many dogs are unaffected by raisins and grapes, but there's no way to know if we've got the ones that are, in which case the results can be disastrous.

Definitely not my best day!

Gray skies and drizzle

2012-02-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'm just loving the parrot photos my son is emailing from Honolulu. The next time we visit I'm going to ask him to take me to their site so I can check them out for myself.

Today was an off day and I'm not sure why. I had the third Neupogen injection for this cycle so I've done that. There were four medical appointments this week which seems like a lot to me. Next week there is only one....

I asked the oncology pharmacist if I could do the injections at home. I explained that our Youngest Daughter is a Type I diabetic and we've had lots of experience with injections. His answer was interesting. Yes, totally doable, but because the government would count it as a prescription - and Neupogen is quite expensive - it might drop me into the dreaded "donut hole" and cost a small fortune. If I drive to our HMO and have a nurse give me the medication there is no charge or co-pay. I backed off quickly. "Most people see it my way," he said.

I couldn't get myself together today, I just had no energy whatsoever. I finally opted for another cup of coffee which helped for a couple hours but then I was flagging again and whining about how much my joints ache. I'm not typically given to despair, but I was really down at the mouth today and couldn't quite shake it.

The one good thing was that since I was lying around a lot I got to read most of the day and finished one truly riveting novel that has been sitting on my shelves since 1990. Homework, by Margot Livesey, takes place in Scotland (Edinburgh) and is a psychological thriller that kept me turning pages to see how - and if - it all resolved. I think of Scotland as one of the most beautiful countries on earth and I enjoyed our time in Edinburgh a few years back. I was using Google Maps to track some of the addresses and street names. The book is well written and features a ten-year old girl who is, let's say, different. The ending is ambiguous so I'll let you decide how it all turned out.

Just sitting around

2012-02-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time in medical waiting rooms, but I rarely draw the others as they wait - mostly because I don't know how and need to practice. So today I tried. This elderly gentleman was sitting, with a bottle of water strategically placed, and never once looked up from his reading while I sketched.

More rain is coming through tonight and for the next few days, but it isn't expected to amount to a whole lot so there is still concern. Just as I was thinking maybe I should do a bit of gardening the temperature is dropping and the weather is shifting into a more wintery pattern. Great! I don't have the energy to dig, plant and pull weeds anyway!

Out and about

2012-02-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

Everyone was talking about the weather today. Tomorrow will be even warmer and may reach 70º F. which is pretty spectacular for early February.

I was in Petaluma today which is a different route entirely. Instead of vineyards - there are some in this photo - there are sheep and cows grazing all along the way. I also counted over 40 red-winged blackbirds, one of my favorite birds, plus one kestrel.

While I was running errands I saw a working dog from Canine Companions for Independence. A mother was with her little boy who was in a wheelchair. I told her that for several years I was a puppy raiser for CCI and she thanked me gratefully. It was such a nice conversation.

Yesterday there was a red-shouldered hawk in the empty field behind our house. I watched out my kitchen window with the binocs - it would stare for about ten minutes, then find some prey, drop down for dinner and eventually fly back up to the very same branch. I'm hoping it was finding rats and mice which proliferate in this area. Someone once explained to me that there is so much water from Santa Rosa in the North Bay to Contra Costa County in the East Bay that it's a perfect habitat for vermin. Oh, yuck!

Chemotherapy #5 (of 6) - DONE!

2012-02-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. Chemotherapy went smoothly and the end of treatment is in sight. I'll still have quarterly infusions of a bone strengthener, but that's a lot less than every three weeks (weekly for the first five years) for over TEN YEARS!

My chemo marker is stable. That's not the number I wanted, but stable is better than rising. I start another series of three Neupogen injections tomorrow because it was so effective during the last cycle.

We're still at odds with Younger Daughter's next placement. The good news today was that we learned of a group home possible option, not too far away, where all the clients are female and close to her age. They all are active participants in Special Olympics. The care provider is deciding whether to meet our daughter and will read all the notes in her packet later in the week. Our fingers are crossed.

And oh yes, we got our much needed rain last night - all night, all morning and part of the afternoon. YES!

A one-hawk day

2012-02-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

Number One son watches whales when he isn't watching parrots. I am beside myself with envy.

I always count the wildlife when I travel Rte. 12 through the vineyards. After the disaster at the nearby lab two weeks ago I drove the extra miles today to Santa Rosa for the pre-chemo blood draw. The deer were hiding but the turkey vultures were soaring in their graceful glides. One red-shouldered hawk was proudly sitting on a telephone wire, probably watching for field mice or some such.

It's a large medical center. There were a few people ahead of me but this lab gives preferential treatment to those in chemotherapy. All five tubes were drawn in less time than I was registered two weeks ago. And I didn't feel a thing.

Afterwards I backtracked to Juvenile Hall. The girls were great, but the boys had been in a major rumble yesterday so they were locked down. One of the program directors met me at the door to say the art program had to be cancelled. No problem for me, it happens periodically - especially on that maximum security unit - but it's distressing to hear about gang fighting. I don't know if any of the honors group were involved. I so hope not!

Wrapping up the weekend

2012-02-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

More parrot photos from Honolulu were sent our way. Here's a mated pair gazing in each other's eyes. Awwww...

Youngest Daughter just left - before she turned into a pumpkin - after an especially nice visit. I don't understand why she's having such a difficult time with care providers, but she was certainly mellow this weekend and we enjoyed her company. We played several more rounds of gin rummy and I was unbeatable!

No one here is interested in football so we didn't see the Super Bowl, but I did catch cute snippets from the Puppy Bowl which was a lot more fun. I could easily become an animal hoarder, the kind you read about in the newspaper, and clips like what I saw today just encourage me. I wanted them all!

Keeping it together

2012-02-04T21:38:00.000-08:00

Youngest Daughter is here for the weekend which is both a respite for her care provider and a treat for us. We cooked her a stir-fry dinner over brown rice, one of her favorites - this girl has always loved veggies!

Later we played several rounds of gin rummy and, although she didn't win (Steve did), she certainly held her own. Now she's working on a gazillion piece puzzle - one place where she truly excels and outshines us all. She can sit for hours and maintain her focus and then, voilá, it's done!

Rain is coming our way on Tuesday. Needless to say, I can't wait!

When the trees start talking

2012-02-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

My guest photographer is my son who sent several photos of parrots in his Honolulu neighborhood. He said parrots aren't native to Hawaii, but they are proliferating, possibly because pets have been released and created their own colony. I would be beside myself with joy if I looked up and saw parrots in my trees!

Our nights have been quite cold - 30s - but every day is spring. I was out walking dogs late this afternoon with no jacket! I've started grooming the geraniums on the deck, getting them ready for warmer weather. This is becoming a very dry winter and there's concern about that.

I started a small painting yesterday, but it wasn't going very well. Apparently Brix considered it a lost cause because I found it shredded on the floor and the paintbrush, one of my favs, was chewed apart too. That's a symptom of a dog who needs more walking!

Not done yet

2012-02-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am so enjoying my one normal week in the three-week chemotherapy cycle. Food is beginning to taste as it should, my energy level has picked up and I'm able to keep up with all of my commitments.

Alas, it all comes to an end next week when the fifth cycle (of six) begins. I'm beginning to long for the end of chemotherapy. The sixth infusion is scheduled for the end of February so I'll be completely finished on March 20th. Then I can recover from the treatment (!) and do normal things like grow a new head of hair. (sigh)

Backwards in time

2012-01-31T20:18:00.000-08:00

We celebrated our 47th anniversary today. It was officially yesterday, but yesterday was too chaotic. While I would have loved to have gone out for a fancy, special dinner, that truly would have been lost on me. Fifty percent of food tastes metallic and briny and 40% I just push away. The remaining 10% is mostly soup. I love soup, enjoy it all year, and for some reason it doesn't seem as weird-tasting as plated food. That makes no sense, but so be it. So we chose our favorite Thai restaurant and enjoyed a quiet lunch. The won-ton soup was perfect and so were my samples of satay chicken and cucumber salad.

After lunch we played tourist and walked around the Plaza picking up and putting down in all the shops. My favorite was a throwback to the 1950s and featured all the games I played back then - Tiddly Winks, for example - and also all the treats of my childhood - Sugar Daddys, Walnettos, Teaberry gum, Bonomo taffy and Necco Wafers.

But what really caught my attention was the box of Smith Brothers cough drops. The two brothers used to be facing each other on opposite sides of the box. Under the left brother's image was the word Trade and under the right image was Mark. As a seven-year-old I pondered and pondered that. I could understand a name like Mark, but why would a mother name her kid Trade?

Longing for normalcy

2012-01-30T19:44:00.000-08:00

This is my normal week. Yesterday I accompanied Steve to Ukiah where he was working. The vineyards and mountains were beautiful with fields of mustard already in bloom.

Today I worked for several hours and was glad to be back with the boys' art group at Juvenile Hall that I had missed last week.

My eyes have been tearing like crazy, my latest chemotherapy side effect. It looks like I'm sobbing all day long. Or, if I'm laughing, your joke was funnier than you knew! The oncology pharmacist told me they routinely send folks to the ophthalmology department for treatment but I was afraid they'd drill holes in my tear ducts or something so I passed on the referral. Everything should begin to normalize in April, that's my hope.

What's that?

2012-01-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

Steve and I were out with friends last night. I hadn't seen these folks for at least six months so it was such a welcome time to be together. We saw "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" and enjoyed a light dinner afterwards. It was nippy walking across the Plaza - especially when you are bald under your hat - but really great to be out and about.

Today was such a warmish gorgeous day with no rain expected for up to two weeks (although you know I would always welcome rain). Steve was away for hours so I was on my own - me and my dogs and my books!

I read until my eyes blurred and then I walked a mile - actually half a mile each way - to a grocery deli department because I was too lazy to cook and the sun was just too inviting. Besides, I was craving comfort food - flan, bring on the flan, fried chicken, a sinful pleasure in itself and mashed potatoes, the one food all chemotherapy patients need to know about.

On the way home I snagged this stem from a bush by a field. Naturalist and art journalist Hannah Hinchman advises walking every day and always bringing home something to draw. I often follow her advice - at least the bring-something-home part - but today I had no idea what I captured. It's a fairly accurate drawing as to what was in my hand, but I've never seen it before and can't identify it. It's from a bush, that's the only hint I can give you.

Harbinger of hope

2012-01-27T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's still January but apparently spring is on its way. The camellia bush by the front door is beginning to bloom but you have to look up to see where the blossoming is beginning. There are hundreds of buds ready to pop open in the days to come.

That's the good news, optimist that I am I always take note of the good news.

Oh, the other good news is that the oncology pharmacist called to say my white blood cell count improved after the Neupogen injections. I was glad to hear that because the oncologist had just told me that my chemo marker was the highest it's been in five years and I was disappointed. That marker bobbles with every reading so it could easily be a fluke, not an upward trend.

The bad news that's keeping us awake at night is that Youngest Daughter has to be moved again to another board and care facility or to a group home. It will be the third move since November and she's showing signs of the fray. The decision to move her has been made, next comes having her visit available options with her case manager and seeing what's the best fit. I hope she's safe, I hope she's not far away, I hope the third time is the charm. Bummer!

Lost dog

2012-01-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

I was turning onto our block when I noticed a couple cars driving erratically - and then I saw why. They were dodging a gorgeous golden retriever who was dashing pell-mell down the center of the street.

I watched from our driveway and wondered if she might possibly belong to a family at the end of the block. I couldn't catch her myself, but when I pounded on their door they helped me. And no, they'd never seen her before either.

Borrowing their leash I took her home and called the police - they do the animal control duties in our community. An officer arrived in minutes, took one look at the dog and knew exactly who she was.

Then the weird part happened. Steve was driving home from the opposite direction, the direction the officer took her. Steve passed four squad cars (including the animal control truck) plus a fire engine parked in front of one home. That seems like a heck of a response for a lost dog! There has to be more to the story than her bolting the fence, but I'll probably never hear it.

Did the cops lock up the people and leave the dog free?

Losing it

2012-01-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

Persimmon trees are full of ripe fruit throughout the valley now. The persimmons are ready to pick when there isn't a single leaf on the tree and only the dark silhouette remains, sort of like Christmas balls left on and forgotten. The branches are gnarled and the bark is a series of mosaic patches. I would love to have such a tree, but alas, there's no space to plant one.

I went postal today, something I try to save for maybe two special occasions each year and I don't think today quite qualified. I wasn't feeling well so Steve drove me for a nadir blood draw - the time in each chemo cycle when my blood counts are lowest. I keep feeling like I'm going to faint, something I've only done once, about a month ago. I was standing by the car hanging on to the door until the sensation passed and then we walked into the lab.

We chose after lunch because that's a time when the fewest people are around and I'm not supposed to be hanging out with sick patients in a waiting room. Sure enough, there was no line at all - but the registration person walked out of the room as I walked in. So I stood and waited and waited and waited until she returned.

She came back with a giant economy bag full of specimen cups. She opened the bag, dumped the contents into a special bin, leveled the array and disposed of the bag. Her housekeeping task completed, she answered the phone, then called me to her desk. She took another phone call. A technician walked by at that moment so she turned to her with a "You won't believe who that was...." and they discussed the call. Then she took a third call. Someone walked by and they had a little chat. By then I'd had it. "I hope you have time to register me...." I began. And when she answered defensively I threw a mini tantrum - "You have no customer service skills whatsoever!" and, of course, all the sick people in the waiting room turned to look. I was so very angry, wishing I had one of those mean Juvie kids with me to jerk a knot in her tail.

I only have one more special occasion left in all of 2012 and it's only January.....

Sleep or fight?

2012-01-23T20:55:00.000-08:00

I was trying to draw in bed which proved to be a lost cause, but since I seem to be hanging out there so much in my queasiness maybe I should just practice and get better at it. Demi was keeping me company, but this doesn't look like Demi. That's a straw hat on the bedpost.... I usually begin with pencil - and an eraser - but this evening I went straight to the ink.

I went to Juvenile Hall for an hour this afternoon, but cancelled earlier in the day for the volunteer boys' art group. I just didn't have the energy to deal with them and came home for a nap instead. I am glad I showed up for the girls' therapy group, however. There were nine girls, one who had been on board for 30 weeks and will leave in a few days. I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to say goodbye to her.

The girls were great - participating actively and enthusiastic about the art project to showcase the theme of the day. When staff came in later to recount all my contraband - art materials - I asked if the girls usually continued to be as mellow as they were at group's end or did all heck break loose after I left. She said they did actually stay calmer, which pleased me no end. There are a lot of scrappy fighters in that bunch who would just as soon jump an opposing gang member as look at her so anything that helps the girls maintain some sense of equilibrium - or teaches skills as to how to do that - is probably a good thing.

Winter slow-down

2012-01-22T13:15:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday I enjoyed a long lunch and get-together with two close friends. I've been asleep ever since. It has been raining ever since. I don't know if it's low energy from anemia, low energy because I've been taking pain pills - it's that time in the chemo cycle when my bones and teeth ache - or if the gray skies are just too depressing to face. (I love rain, I don't think it's that one.)

This evening we're celebrating Oldest Daughter's birthday so I'll definitely be getting it together for that. Youngest Daughter will be here and so will the grandsons. Steve is the chef, the balloons are up, the cake is ready and the dogs have been bathed. I need to run around, well, walk around, with a dust cloth, but we're otherwise looking forward to a festive evening on a rainy day. They're probably watching the game first and will then set out.

I have managed to curl up with this one book, THE MUSIC LESSON, which I really enjoyed. It is tightly written and each sentence is a bit tighter as it meets with its conclusion. I mean, don't trust the innocent start, it's much darker than it seems. I loved the notion of living alone in a small house on the western shores of Ireland - I've been there - but the rest was well beyond my imagination. Katharine Weber is a new author for me, but one I hope to meet up with again.

Getting caught up

2012-01-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

I slept for fourteen hours last night, typical for coming off of a steroid. I also completed the three Neupogen injections so should be much more normal for the next seventeen days.

It's been raining for two days (YES!) and the ride on Rte. 12 (for the last shot) through the bare vineyards was lovely. There's nothing as cozy as a warm car driving through the rain. I saw five deer grazing near the road, a sight that will always make my day.

Maybe tomorrow I'll actually get something done!

Chemotherapy #4 of 6 - Done!

2012-01-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a chemotherapy day - only two left! I tried to draw the infusion pump but it had more buttons and knobs and tubing and hanging bags and all sorts of other things so it was a bit complicated. I'll try again another day.... maybe.

I left kind of bummed. My white cell count is so low that for the next three days I have to go back for Neupogen shots. Instead of grousing I should be grateful. I remember that, some 35 years ago, a friend died from infection as a complication of chemotherapy - but that was before Neupogen was created. I've had constant infections since October so I'm considered high risk and with no real immune system!

I was also told that the next time I have a fever I should do what I did - take Tylenol to see if I can bring it down and avoid going to the Emergency Department - but I should also go directly to the infusion center so they can do some blood testing and track down the cause.

You know, I'm starting to feel like a patient! I spend so much time either in the medical center or emailing doctors, ordering medications, traveling the 45 minutes for blood draws and scans and appointments. I liked remission better, all nine years of it!

Nana on steroids

2012-01-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

It was even colder today and the night forecast is 25º F. But rain is still in the forecast for Wednesday or Thursday and will be off and on for an entire week. I will be so very happy!

Tomorrow is chemotherapy which means that for three consecutive nights I won't sleep. Today I am totally revved up - taking a steroid to mitigate the side effects of Taxotere - and can totally tell the difference. I haven't had this much energy since the same three days of the last cycle. I talk faster, walk faster, laugh more, sleep less (sleep much less) and generally drive myself crazy until Thursday when I will crash.

I had to miss my work in Juvenile Hall last week because I was dealing with that fever issue, but this afternoon I was back. Both groups were full - one over the limit - so maybe they missed me!

Four of the five boys in the art group were new - I didn't get to say goodbye to the ones who left - so it was almost a fresh start. For maximum security dudes their behavior was perfect and they seemed happy to be doing something they enjoy - recreational drawing with an abundance of supplies and their own art journals - and the time went quickly.

Because it's an honors group they get dessert as a perk. Tonight the program staff brought in a chocolate cream pie with milk and enormous chocolate chip cookies on the side. I reminded them to keep it together during the week - no fighting! - so they don't lose their status or their treats.

One can only hope.....

January chill

2012-01-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

Brrrrrr, it's cold today. During the night it got down to 27º - and remember, this is California! But the good news is that the rain will begin on Wednesday and continue for days. That would be more normal for this time of year.

I curled up with my Kindle and read until I fell asleep this afternoon. (Why do books, really good ones, put us to sleep?)

I'm gearing up for the fourth round of chemotherapy on Tuesday and hope my immune system has rebounded sufficiently to make that possible. I definitely want those last three cycles of Taxotere, it has kept me alive for a decade already, an awesome response.

Clouding up

2012-01-14T18:56:00.000-08:00

So far January has been worse than December, something I didn't think possible.

But there has been good news. Wednesday's CT scan showed marked reduction in the size of the tumors and there were no progressions. Taxotere is definitely working for me a second time and I'm grateful for that. Now, if I can just get through the last three cycles with an immune system that isn't cooperating these days.

The other good news is that rain is finally in the forecast. We're getting desperate here in northern California - no rain here, no snow in the Sierra mountain range and therefore no skiing which is creating more economic havoc for the resorts. But the weekend is supposed to bring us real rain, not just sprinkles.

I love rain!

Dear Belle - Rest in Peace

2012-01-12T15:52:00.001-08:00

Germ-phobic

2012-01-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another lovely one in northern California and tourists were out in full-force. Steve and I walked around the Plaza with all the other amblers and dog walkers - including the woman nudging a yapping chihuahua into a store saying, "Now use your words nicely." (She was probably from San Francisco where folks are truly goofy about their small-breed canines.) There were no empty parking places and the businesses were full of shoppers. It is so nice to live in a vibrant community.

On second thought about that woman - last week I was in Trader Joe's and in an aisle where an employee was stocking a shelf. "Okay, Cart, have it your way," I heard her say.

I looked at her, she looked at me. "Uh, were you talking to your grocery cart?" I asked.

"Yes, I was!" and we both had a chuckle. People fascinate me no end.

By evening I had a fever which sort of freaked me out given my current lack of an immune system. I've been avoiding crowds and anything germy - have let Steve do all the chicken care, for example - but still the thermometer was reading close to 102º. I was told to go straight to the emergency department if I had a fever above 100.5º that I couldn't bring down below that threshold with Tylenol. But I did! I took two tablets and was below 100 an hour later.

Don't you just love it when you can avert a crisis?

The written word

2012-01-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

It was a quiet, breezy and amazingly warm day here today. I was catching up on household tasks and mostly curled up and reading. There are so many books I want to read! I wish publishers would just stop the presses for a decade or two so I could catch up.

Speaking of which, we had two independent bookstores in our community until just a few months ago when one closed. People read here and book groups are popular so the loss isn't about disinterest, it's about folks who shop online or have shifted to e-readers. I'm guilty of both.

It's frustrating. I love good bookstores - and the one that remains is a good one - but the difference in cost from full price to e-reader is significant. I certainly don't see any reversal in that trend, do you?

Crawling through it all

2012-01-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

The oncology pharmacist called me yesterday because he was concerned about my new blood tests. "You don't have much of an immune system, the numbers are the lowest they've ever been." He reminded me not to eat salads, lots of hand washing and the usual warnings. I feel like an invalid!

Some of the numbers will begin to improve now that I've passed the nadir period of this cycle of chemotherapy. But I am concerned that I won't be able to complete the last three cycles of Taxotere if things are this bad at only the half-way mark.

None of this was a problem ten years ago when I sailed through the exact same treatment. But that was ten years ago. I was practically young!

Murphy's law... to the nth degree

2012-01-04T04:37:00.000-08:00

If yesterday was an example of Murphy's law, ten years ago today took it to the extreme. On January 4th, 2002 I received the diagnosis of Stage 4 breast cancer. I knew it was hard to walk, but I didn't know that my pelvis had fractures from the many lytic lesions collapsing in on themselves, i.e. pathologic fractures because of the many metastases. I soon learned that bones throughout my body were affected and that there were too many lesions to count on my liver. No one really expected me to see the end of 2002, given my status at the beginning.

I had hoped to still be stable, no progression at this time of 2012. But just to be alive is enough for now. There wasn't a soul on the planet who held that hope, not one person. It was just totally "impossible" and yet, here I am!

Living by Murphy's Law

2012-01-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

You all know Murphy's law: What can go wrong, will go wrong. This morning Youngest Daughter woke up in her new board-and-care home. At 7:00 a.m. her caregiver was calling us -- YD's glucometer (the meter she uses to check her blood glucose) had dead batteries! This has never happened before, not in 20 years - and she's used lots of glucometers in that length of time.

The caregiver needed to leave for work. The drugstores were still closed. Youngest Daughter is an insulin-dependent diabetic and absolutely has to have a functioning glucometer on her person 24/7. So... we worked out a plan and the crisis was averted. She now has a new glucometer, a backup system and extra batteries.

But who would guess that such a need would arise on her first morning in a new home when there's never been such a problem in all those years? Who, but Murphy!

Into the future

2012-01-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

We're heading back to normal. Youngest Daughter moved into her new housing - just 2.2 miles from home - and I went to Juvenile Hall. Steve took down the Christmas trees, the first time he's done that before January 6th, the Feast of the Epiphany and official end of the twelve days. He said he wanted no more memories of 2011...

Tomorrow the rest of the world catches up - County employees go back to work, the post office reopens, you know.... it's now 2012!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T19:29:00.001-08:00

Waiting for the ball to drop

2011-12-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

The grandsons were over again this evening. They hung out until midnight in Times Square and then left so they could be in their jammies in time for New Year's here on the west coast. They've been over three times in the last week or so, something that never happens but is so fun.

I'm ready for a new year and a fresh start. I started off last January thinking I was totally healthy and in remission, only to have it all fall apart in August when the first symptoms began. Now I'm looking forward to completing chemotherapy and getting healthy again.

That's my #1 resolution for 2012 - Get healthy!

2011 - Go away!

2011-12-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

I'm typically upbeat, not given to depression, but today it hit me massively. It's been a difficult holiday season and none of us had our usually zip and zing.

But yesterday was particularly upsetting. An acquaintance called me, someone I hadn't seen nor talked to recently. She said she had been lying awake the previous night and thought of me, found my telephone number in the morning and made the call. She has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer and given a six-month prognosis, something she hopes to outlive.

I was devastated. We chatted for a long while about her health and treatment and then turned to brighter times. I reminded her of one of our happiest moments together. Three years ago she and I were in a nearby community college class featuring mixed media. We learned some beginning skills in collage, printmaking, animation and bookbinding.

I really enjoyed the bookbinding because I fill up so many sketchbooks in a year that I'm always looking for the perfect one - and binding your own is really the only way to have exactly the size and paper you prefer. To complete the project for that unit we only had to make two simple books - one in Japanese stab binding and one using the coptic stitch.

There were about a dozen students in the class - the youngest being 18-somethings straight out of high school all the way through middle age, past me and on to my friend who was then 79. The following week some of us brought in our completed books, but several students hadn't even begun the project yet. Mine were imperfect, clearly a novice learning the stitches but in need of significant practice. My friend brought in TEN books, each perfect, each lovely, each a treasure simply as a newly bound book. We were in awe, her enthusiasm put us to shame, her crafting was exquisite and left the instructor with big, joyful smiles.

So now she's 82 - which seems young for someone as lively as she is - and I am truly saddened by her diagnosis. My whole day was drab - there was a slow gray afternoon shower after a gloomy morning, never any sun, and I felt such incredible grief just learning this news.

I've never felt so powerless.

Aaaaah!

2011-12-29T05:09:00.000-08:00

Here's my favorite photo of the holiday season. A staffer at Juvenile Hall raises miniature goats, one of which she decorated as a reindeer and brought in for the kids to hold. It isn't a plush toy, it's real!

We might finally get some rain tonight, long overdue. The ski slopes are mostly dry, the local hills are yellow weeds - usually emerald green in December - and we're all watching for clouds.

I'm working today, short hours, but will mostly be home enjoying the in-between-the-holidays calm. And you?

Return to (new) normal

2011-12-28T09:57:00.000-08:00

Here's me, the final photo I'll show you of the Juvenile Hall caroling event last Thursday night. OK, I'm done!

I have the house to myself for most of today. That's perfect timing because I need something retreat-like so I can pull it all together and get ready for 2012.

For me that means writing New Year's resolutions, which I've started (1. Get healthy after chemo 2. Grow hair!) and 3. get back to my decluttering projects. Oh, and start walking - there's no excuse today, the sun is shining and I obviously have time.

Just the thought exhausts me!

Chemotherapy #3 of 6 - Done!

2011-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I described the Christmas caroling event in Juvenile Hall. I just received the photos of the Christmas tree decorating contest which kept the kids busy for weeks. Here's an example, clearly different from what I have in my home!

I was in chemotherapy for 5-1/2 hours today, partly out of an abundance of caution after the reaction to the second round and partly because I also had a quarterly infusion that takes one hour. But there was no excitement or drama and I'm feeling well.

I did learn that I have to get back to walking - because of the anemia, of all things. The oncologist explained that Taxotere plays havoc with bone marrow, the reason all my blood cell counts are wonky. He said that exercise, even more than iron-dense foods, would help. It explained that the kidneys would detect the lack of oxygen when I exercise and stimulate the bone marrow to produce more cells. That's something I never knew!

So I thought about it, came home and took a nap.

We did it!

2011-12-26T21:40:00.000-08:00

We made it through another Christmas! That sounds awful but I bet at least half the nation is saying the same thing. Is that true worldwide? Some of you who check in from afar can let me know about that. Do all of you hustle so much just before Christmas that it feels like a victory just to reach Christmas morning?

I think everyone was pleased with their gifts. I made out like a bandit - which sort of creeped me out because I was afraid folks thought it might be my last Christmas!

Now... on to New Year's resolutions! (Do you typically make any?)

What's that sound?

2011-12-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the annual Christmas caroling in Juvenile Hall. There were 24 of us, enough to raise a glad sound, and the kids were beside themselves. Many were totally surprised, although some, unfortunately, were there last year too. They were locked in their rooms - in bed - but jumped up and flipped on the lights when they heard us and watched from the windows in their doors. Some swayed to the music and others had tears in their eyes. These are minors who probably haven't been sung to as babies and little kids.

Our whole family was present - Steve, me, Youngest Daughter and two dogs, Brix and Demi who are well known to the kids. We were dressed like traditional carolers with hats and scarves and held electric candles to see our song sheets. It's part of our tradition to participate and I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Treat night

2011-12-21T21:37:00.000-08:00

Older Daughter and grandsons came over for dinner tonight, a treat for all of us. Steve and Younger Daughter had just started to roll out Christmas cookies when the kids arrived so they got to join in. They are 15 and 12, proof that you're never too old to enjoy decorating cookies for the holidays. Of course it didn't hurt that they took a tray home with them too. And even better that they will be back on Sunday.

Something - I'm not sure what - went terribly wrong with Younger Daughter's board and care placement this week. Fortunately - and maybe this will be so much better anyway - a new home is opening this week just three miles from where we live. The initial meeting went very well. YD will be living with a mom and her 12-year old daughter and will be the sole client. What's really great is that mom knows a significant amount about caring for a Type I diabetic, always an enormous 24/7 concern. The paper signing will be this week and a move-in date will be set. In fact, her belongings are already there, but we have first dibs at having her here at home for Christmas and New Year's, which may turn out to be Christmas through New Year's.

Suddenly there is human life in the old folks' home!

Community loss

2011-12-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

The dogs were very hungry by 4:45 this morning so I got up to feed them. I was awake myself, it wasn't a problem. I poured a cup a coffee and, under cover of darkness, fetched the morning newspaper. (Why I fetched when I have three labrador retrievers whose very DNA begs to fetch, I don't know.)

The headlines broke my heart. The Santa Rosa Press Democrat, a fine newspaper owned by the New York Times, is being sold. The Times is off-loading 14 newspapers, it seems, and the P-D is one. We dropped our subscription to the San Francisco Chronicle when it became third-rate, but have been immensely pleased with the P-D. The world news coverage is better, obviously because of the direct feeds from the Times.

Steve woke up. "You'll never guess what the headlines are."

"What's happened now?"

"The New York Times is selling the Press Democrat."

"Oh, no!" And Drama King began flipping out exactly as I had a couple hours earlier.

It won't be long before print newspapers are no more, another concern because I won't know how to drink my morning coffee without one, but right now we still have a very fine one.... for a few more days.

Should I whine or whinge?

2011-12-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

So it was in the 30s last night and the 60s today, is that winter or spring? I was busy from dawn to dusk, really busy with work and the last minute crunch. There's still so much to do, I don't even have time to whine about how I feel. When Drama Queen can't carry on, what can she do?

The next two days I get to stay home, all day, both days. YES!

Sunday thoughts

2011-12-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today is the fourth Sunday of Advent and the Gospel lesson read this morning was the story of the annunciation. The sermon was about angelic experiences. And that started my mind spinning about angelic experiences of my own.

When I think of angels, I immediately exclude friends, long-term relationships and certainly relatives - not because they aren't capable of being angelic towards me - they often are - but because my personal definition seems to only allow for fleeting, chance experiences grounded in synchronicity. The angels I acknowledge are never known and never seen again. I'm rather on the fence as to whether I mean this as real or metaphorically. But these are the strangers who say something I really need to hear in that moment or who suddenly arrive bringing help, as in the story I'm about to tell.

I was 4-1/2 when our family moved to a small town in southern Illinois. My father was a doctoral student at the University of Chicago so he spent summers there and usually the whole family accompanied him. The year I was six was particularly memorable.

My mother enrolled me in activities at the YMCA, several blocks from our student housing. She took me twice to teach me the route and I told her confidently that I had it down. To this day I am the Queen of Getting Lost, so it would have taken at least 50 trial runs for me to really learn the way, but that deficit wasn't known when I was six.

The first day I set off to the Y and - you guessed it - I got lost. I mean, I really got lost. I wasn't just lost or lost-lost, I was lost. There I was, six years old, wandering around the city of Chicago (What were my parents thinking? Were my parents thinking?) and became quite frightened and began to cry. Within seconds I was in a sheer panic and racheted it to wailing.

Suddenly, from nowhere, appeared a colored woman (remember, this was 1950). "What's the matter, little girl?" In between sobs I told her my problem. She took my hand, walked me about a block and deposited me at the foot of the Y steps, at which point, propelled by relief, I rocketed my way into the building.

I remember that last running bit, I don't remember thanking her. But this story is over 60 years old and I have thought of her many, many times since then and thanked her from my heart. I like to think, when I do that, she hears me.

Oops, did I scare you?

2011-12-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

Youngest Daughter's day program held their annual Christmas party yesterday. Steve and I were there and so was YD's care provider. At the appropriate moment Santa came in - there were lots of believers in attendance - and handed out presents and ho, ho, hoed. It was a cast of many, say 100, and I didn't want to freak anyone out so I wore my new wig for the first time.

I basically don't like wigs although people with large hearts assure me I look "great" when I wear one. After weeks of baldness and hats, this one was heavy and well, really hairy. I felt like a hunter's target, at risk of being mounted on his den wall.

At one point YD looked up and asked in innocence, "Mom, are you wearing a wig or did your hair grow?" Since I'd seen her two days earlier I could have messed with her and proclaimed it a miracle, but I am truthful to the core so I 'fessed up.

It's all chemo-brain. Suddenly, I am truly vain!

Sad and sadder

2011-12-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

My reading this week was about as sad as it could be. A few years after her husband's death, Joan Didion's adult daughter, Quintana, also died. The book was apparently written during that first year when grief is overwhelming. When memories take over and can console, there can be a sense of regaining at least something that was lost. But every memory recalled here is turned and examined and seems to always end up as a new vehicle of torture for the distraught mother. The memoir is full of guilt and remorse, where none seems indicated as Quintana was quite ill and on a ventilator. I'll only say that I'm glad I read the book - the writing is poetic and deeply moving and my hope is that, at some point, the mother will be comforted.

The rainy season

2011-12-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

First I heard the rain in my dreams. Then I woke up and listened to it. Who doesn't like the sound of rain?

I fell back to sleep. Steve woke me up to tell me it was raining. The dogs figured that if we were talking it was time to get up so they did their hunger dance and the day was on!

Oh, you don't get up at 4:00 a.m.? Don't you want to hear the rain?

Step by step

2011-12-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas tree is still undecorated, but the lights are on from 5:00 a.m. until bedtime so we're getting hours and hours of pleasure from it. Youngest Daughter will come home next week and she can add the ornaments.

We saw her today. It was actually Steve's third visit this week because there were doctor's appointments on Monday and Tuesday. She's been living with a care provider for a few weeks now and it was time to fill out more paperwork. It was a long meeting with much to discuss between her, her care provider, two social workers and me and Steve. She is now allowed to go into the community unescorted for up to two hours if she has a charged, turned-on cell phone within reach so her care provider can contact her. She can be alone at home for three hours. Progress!

Just one of those days

2011-12-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

Today's my nadir day. In chemo speak, because Taxotere does weird things to bone marrow, I get a series of blood tests on the eighth day of each 21-day chemotherapy cycle. That would be today.

The results showed - I'm anemic (new), my white blood cell count is the lowest it's ever been and basically I have a very limited immune system. Well, Belle the cat was having a seizure so I picked her up. She accidently scratched me and drew blood. I'm doomed!

Aside from that, it was a good day. I had very few have-tos and kind of pottered through the day at my own, slow pace. I also saw four red-shouldered hawks and a kestrel. How cool is that!

From fear to pride

2011-12-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

I had such a good time with the girls in Juvenile Hall this afternoon. I came up with a new idea - out of my very own head - and decided today's theme would be about learning something new. If that sounds ho-hum to you, consider that these girls have mostly failed in school, in citizenship, in social skills, and just about everything else. Being confronted with something new to learn can fill them from anything from rage to terror.

So we discussed the concept for a while, recalled new things we had learned through the years, and then I announced that I was going to teach them something new today. I said it was a craft project and would be easy for some and harder for others. Having said that much I asked them to check in with themselves about how they were feeling now. The anxiety was mounting although some also admitted to be excited as well so we talked about blended emotions.

The project was iris folding, a craft that originated in Holland. None of the girls had ever heard of it and when I held up this sample they were even confused about what they were seeing.

I kept the group together and we went through it one step at a time. Periodically I had them do a personal recheck to see if the anxiety was going down. It always was. At the very end, as they looked at their finished pieces, they were feeling pride - not their everyday emotion.

I asked them to try to hang on to this activity so that, when confronted with a new task in the future, they can remind themselves that the scary comes at the beginning and dissipates very soon, leading to a personal sense of pride.

Christmas cookie time

2011-12-11T20:30:00.001-08:00

Our local Starbucks holds an annual Christmas toy drive in combination with a cookie decorating event. Steve decorated the cookies and I ate them! There were several teenagers around - children and friends of the manager - and I tried to draw one but she wiggled nonstop so it's a feeble image.

I'm feeling well today, better than on Day Six of the first cycle. My biggest problem is low energy, but I have to be strong for tomorrow when I'm with the kids at Juvenile Hall.

In her dotage

2011-12-10T17:28:00.001-08:00

Online shopping purchases are beginning to drift in even though I've tried to buy locally. It's hard, stores are crowded and I have been wobbly and close to fainting. I even retrieved my cane today, something I haven't used for almost ten years when bone metastases fractured my pelvis. This year the issue is different - I don't want to pass out in the aisle and often there's no place to sit down.

It was in the 20s last night but will be up ten degrees tonight and may be moving toward rain. (I promise, in my next life I'll be a meteorologist since weather details hold endless fascination for me.)

Today was a gentle day. I slept in, cooked myself a real breakfast and sat around a lot with CNN and crossword puzzles. Steve cooked me a fresh batch of tapioca pudding, starting from the pearls. Then he put up two Christmas trees and strung the lights. I don't know when they'll get decorated, maybe when Youngest Daughter comes home for Christmas since she loves to hang them. The neighbors across the street were holding a garage sale so cars were driving by all day - and this old lady was sort of keeping a watch from the sofa. (That really is "old" behavior, isn't it???)

There was just the one foray into the great outdoors, but it was too hard. Today is the fifth day of the second chemotherapy cycle. It's the day my teeth ache! Seriously, it happened last month too - for some reason the chemo feels like every molar is overdue for extraction and gets me up during the night for a pain pill. It's not about dentistry, just a weird response to Taxotere. Fortunately it only last a few days and dissipates.

Next... it will be tomorrow...

Today's read

2011-12-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

Room by Emma Donoghue
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

OMG! This was such a stunning book to read! It happens in real life that mothers and children are imprisoned for years and some - think Jacey Dugard - have written memoirs about their experiences. ROOM is fiction, the story is narrated by a small boy in small boy language and imagery. It was, in fact, the little boy speak that made it a tad difficult to get started, but that was only for a chapter or so. Then I couldn't turn the pages fast enough. This is a story that reads true because of the author's attention to the smallest details and her understanding for how trauma impacts the victim. It was definitely one of the top five books I read in 2011.

View all my reviews

'Tis wintertime

2011-12-08T16:37:00.001-08:00

'Twas a good day. I worked three hours, cooked a pot of turkey noodle soup, read for a long, long time, did some online shopping and took a great nap. For two days after chemotherapy that's plenty. I really don't like it when a day feels totally wasted, no matter how ill I feel - and today I felt fairly well.

The cold continues with nights at about 30º F. - that's California, folks! Steve had to scrape ice off the windshield before he could drive this morning. Tomorrow will be warmer and rain is forecasted for the weekend. I'll love it!

Really, the Cold War?

2011-12-07T15:06:00.001-08:00

I was sitting with the boys at Juvenile Hall on Tuesday for our ART You Ready for Dinner? program which involves drawing in their sketchbooks for an hour, stopping for a meal and dessert and then drawing a short while more.

Along the way I said something about eating supper. I heard these little chuckles. "What did I do?"

"Supper," they informed me, is no more. It went out with the Cold War (I was secretly pleased that one of these high security delinquents had apparently heard of that one.) The correct terminology is "dinner."

Okay, Readers, is this true? Was I really the dinosaur in the room? Is this a northern California thing or do the rest of you, all over the nation, now eat dinner?

They say you can teach an old dog new tricks so this is a test case in the making. Supper or dinner?

Chemo #2 of 6 - DONE!

2011-12-06T17:49:00.001-08:00

I sure hope I manage myself better in this second chemotherapy cycle because I have certainly been playing the role of the Languishing Invalid.

But in chemotherapy today the Drama Queen overdid it. Big time.

The nurse tried to call me before I left home, but missed me. It started off that my white blood count was soaring and she was thinking I probably had an infection. That was confirmed after I arrived and then there was a discussion about whether I could even have the Taxotere today. Since I wasn't symptomatic (no fever) the oncology pharmacist on the unit thought it was okay and the oncologist across the hall agreed.

So the infusion was started - after a reaction prevention steroid - and I was chatting happily with the nurse when she came by to twiddle with the dials on the pump. Mid-sentence I interrupted myself - "Peggy, something is happening..." "OK". Pump off. "I need help." Nurses come running. Oxygen mask on face. Lower the chair. Very calmly she explains, "You're having a reaction. We see this often." I calmed down - figured I might not faint or die after all.

My blood pressure spiked, my cheeks were flaming, my eyes were closing, closing, closing...

I felt better fairly quickly. But then the nurse said they wouldn't infuse me today, started naming alternatives for next time. "No, no, no, no, no! Taxotere gave me nine years, I want that drug! I didn't drive up here for no chemo!"

So Peggy presented a game plan to the oncology pharmacist. "She's not leaving. How about if we give her this and this and try again at a desensitization level...." He tweaked it and she ran the new plan over to the oncologist. He tweaked it some more and the plan was in place. Three more reaction preventers at various intervals. Eventually the Taxotere at the slowest drip possible. Increase the time after 30 minutes. Raise it again.

My 90-minute appointment lasted five hours, but I got through it and, at this moment, I feel great!

And lived to tell the story.

Getting ready

2011-12-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a lovely day in northern California. Tourists were all over Sonoma Plaza and it took a bit of circling to even find a parking place. We walked Demi and Brix - lots of other dog walkers were out too (most Plaza shops are dog friendly) and enjoyed the bustle of the afternoon.

Today the next chemotherapy cycle begins. Actually it begins tomorrow - but today I begin the protective steroid medication and go for a blood draw.

And then I pretend all is well, all is normal and spend the afternoon with the kids at Juvenile Hall. Wearing a hat....

Hey Dude, where's my hair?

2011-12-04T00:06:00.000-08:00

Brix in repose.

I'm shedding like a labrador. Really, this is disgusting. Hair falls in my computer and lands on my tongue. This is the ultimate worst stage, truly.

Aside from that, life is good. We had dinner with friends last night and Demi was invited to play with their service dog. He's still shiny and new while Demi has a gray muzzle and is moving toward her dotage. But it was great to get together and dinner was magnificent.

The wind and weather has been unusual. Friday set records for warmth - high 70ºs - but now each day is cooler. The wind has created limb damage and knocked out power lines, but not for us.

That would be a last straw. I'd be pulling my hair out... if I had any....

Why I loathe the DMV

2011-12-03T06:54:00.001-08:00

Most Californians complain about the Department of Motor Vehicles. Lines are long, the new furlough days have made it worse and you basically have to take a day off from work to transact business.

But I have a personal grudge. The last time the DMV said I had to have a new photo in order to renew my license was about nine years ago. I was in the midst of chemotherapy that time too and bald as an egg in a nest.

I stood in front of the camera. "Remove your hat," he said. What choice did I have? For nine #$%^#@ years I've been walking around with the ugliest license photo in California history.

Take last week, for example. I needed to show my ID to someone. "No, that's your husband, I need to see yours," says the someone. I gave her my most withering look. I can wither when I have to. "Oh, sorry," she says when she sees my name is stamped on the license.

Well, if anyone asks for my license during the next few months, my photo will match my head. Grrrrrr.

Out of the blue

2011-12-01T21:24:00.001-08:00

So Steve brought in the mail today and look what was there! A friend I haven't seen for far too long knitted this cap for my balding chemotherapy head so I can keep warm this winter. I was surprised and touched.

There's a woman I know who, whenever I pass her and say, "Hi, how are you you?," always smiles and says, "I'm blessed." That's the way I felt when I received my gift in the mail today.

I'm so far behind on my blog! It's unusual for me not to post for several days but that's what happens when energy lags. For the most part it's been a good week. I'm a bit bummed today because my hair is starting to fall out and I'm afraid if someone stands behinds me and sneezes it will be all over.

But my visit with the oncologist on Tuesday went very well. He tends to be pessimistic - I've been reading him for almost ten years - but this week he was positively upbeat. My tumor marker had dropped after six days on Tamoxifen, before the Taxotere had even been started. And this bunch of tumors are less aggressive than what I started with back in 2002.

I asked him what he expected to see in my next set of scans (after three or four chemotherapy cycles). He expects a lot of shrinkage and that I can live for some time on Tamoxifen alone (a pill). He expect this course of treatment to be a minor setback after it's all said and done.

Worst case scenario: There is a long list of possible drugs available for me that we haven't even tried.

Whew! I think I'm gonna make it through the year!

Empty nesting

2011-11-28T18:39:00.001-08:00

Youngest Daughter returned to her new home yesterday so we're empty nesters until Christmas. This is like having a kid in college - away during the semester and home for the holidays.

It doesn't keep her from texting multiple times a day, but that sort of keeps me in the loop so I don't mind.

Today was back-to-work day and I was at Juvenile Hall. That so wears me out! The hallways are very long, the kids are high maintenance and I am so old! But girls were turned away from my group by staff. For some reason they really want to be there and the limit has been set at eight. Occasionally a couple others are admitted but staff told me that fifteen wanted to participate today. I don't know why, I honestly don't.

Empty nest at home, full nest at work....

Two days later

2011-11-26T13:51:00.001-08:00

Steve took Youngest Daughter to San Francisco for the day so she could shop for Christmas. Every hour or so I'd get a photo on my cell phone as they documented their way through the city. Here's the Christmas tree at Union Square.

I'm having a slow, easy day. I have the house to myself - well, myself + three dogs + one cat + five chickens. I have nothing I have to get done today, which is good because I don't have the energy to do it. So I've been sitting around a lot, dozing, trying to finish Steve's crossword puzzle which seems unusually difficult today.

The day is bright and sunny, the first lovely day all week. A day for making a turkey sandwich, right?

Not out shopping

2011-11-25T18:53:00.001-08:00

Our Thanksgiving couldn't have been nicer. All three kids, spouses and grandchildren were here, two flying in from Honolulu. I truly appreciate the effort made to have the entire family together this one day.

Steve baked pies, I cooked turkey and gravy and one daughter brought in all the side dishes. She must have been cooking for two days.

Tomorrow Steve and Youngest Daughter will be in San Francisco to help her with her Christmas shopping. This is a tradition going back over twenty years. He takes her out to dinner at the St. Francis Hotel and they look at all the decorations in the downtown windows. Her favorite is the one at Macy's which hosts Christmas displays put on by the SPCA with live kittens and puppies incorporated into the scene.

Me? Oh, I have the day off!

We all need a chuckle, right?

2011-11-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

At seventy-five percent

2011-11-21T19:30:00.001-08:00

The high point of my day was when the furnace technician stopped by. (That was me on the floor kissing his feet.) It was a thermostat issue, now repaired and we have a reliable heat source. I tend toward being cold most of the time and now that I'm not feeling well I am completely debilitated by low temperatures. I was starting to act like old people - the ones who stay in bed all day just to keep warm.

Today was a work day, mostly at Juvenile Hall. I painted the elephant while I was with the boys.

The next two days I'll be home. Cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning.

Cold and gray

2011-11-20T17:57:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to figure out the pattern for each cycle of chemotherapy. So far it seems that Days 1 and 2 are easy. Days 3 and 4 are more difficult because I'm coming off a steroid I have to take to mitigate side effects. Day 5 is the worst - significant bone and joint pain. Today is Day 6 and I'm fine except for low energy.

I think the worst is over and that I'll be feeling better up through Day 21 and then the pattern will start over again with the second cycle. I think that's the way it's going to go.... It would be truly useful to know because I could schedule myself accordingly. My plan is to work throughout chemotherapy and that would be totally doable if I only knew what days I should avoid. I mean, yesterday, I couldn't have worked no matter what, but that was the first extreme day and only lasted 24 hours.

Youngest Daughter seems to be settling in to her new home. She calls and texts each day, but her messages are mostly about good things that are pleasing her, not distress calls. She'll be here from Wednesday through Sunday to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. Both siblings will be in town so, of course, she doesn't want to miss that and Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without her either.

Freedom!

2011-11-19T04:31:00.001-08:00

I was asleep by 7:30 last night, absolutely and totally spent! The morning was full of errands and another medical appointment, but the afternoon and evening was about packing up Youngest Daughter and delivering her to her new home.

She was so excited! We were so excited! She is 38, disabled and kept saying, "It's time to move on." So she's living with one other disabled person and their care provider - probably a more restrictive environment than we offered here, but it's not with parents and that makes all the difference.

After 30 days she can be out in the community alone - a privilege she's taken for granted for decades - but starting off, that's the rule. Her care provider is a warm, grandmotherly type, someone who enjoys her work and laughs often. She invited us to stay for dinner, which we did, and it was a lovely experience.

I just know this is gonna work and I'm happy for my daughter. She's right, it's time to move on.

My new best friend

2011-11-17T20:10:00.001-08:00

It won't surprise you to learn I've become fascinated by the Pacific yew tree now that I know it was in the original formula for Taxotere, my current chemotherapy drug. It's unfortunate that 1) the tree grows slowly and 2) stripping the bark that is used in the medication kills the tree. Consequently, Pacific yews are now rare.

It's a lovely tree. I'd grow one in my own backyard if I thought that could happen in this climate. Sorry, no.

Today was another good day. I worked three hours and fell asleep for three hours, how lucky can I be?

Feeling great!

2011-11-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

This was the day after first chemo day and I feel amazingly great!

It was a productive day too. Youngest Daughter (38) is moving to a board-and-care home for disabled adults on Friday afternoon. There will be two clients and one experienced, grandmotherly care provider - so she's moving from a household of three to a household of three. Today was paper-signing day, stacks and stacks of officialdom with signers and a witness.

Our family is quite excited about this transition. It was being planned several months ago, before I was diagnosed and has nothing to do with my illness. The timing, however coincidental, couldn't be more perfect. Our daughter will be 20 minutes away, has a job working each morning on a familiar work crew at a favorite pizza place two blocks from her new home, and already has friends.

Steve and I are looking forward to being empty-nesters at last! Hopefully everything will work out - our earliest impressions have been positive - and it looks like a go. Staff will visit her every week for three months and then twice a month thereafter. We can visit any time and bring her home for holidays or weekends or whenever we're all missing each other too much. Her older sister lives about 30 minutes away in the opposite direction and will also be visiting and occasionally taking her out or home.

So I promised YD that I would help her pack after supper this evening. We counted out jeans and shirts and jammies and socks and just about finished the task. Tomorrow we're going through her medications - she takes many - and we'll get those packed as well.

So there! I'm not even the wee bit sickly and I basically worked all day!

Chemo #1 of 6 - DONE!

2011-11-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

Chemotherapy finally began today. This would be Taxotere, originally developed from the bark of the Pacific yew tree, but now grown hydroponically where the roots are harvested.

In Juvenile Hall yesterday the boys were discussing the effects of plants on the human body - everything from poison oak and some of the illicit drugs they've been involved with as well as medicines and life-saving chemotherapy such as Taxotere from the Pacific yew. They understand the value of treasuring our environment and becoming more mindful of how we treat our various habitats. It's interesting what conversations can roll when you're sitting around drawing in your sketchbooks with teenage miscreants, one reason I love them so!

Steve snapped this photo - he was sitting in the rocker next to me. He baked blueberry muffins for the staff, visitors and patients and they flew off the serving plates as the volunteer walked them around.

Because I haven't had Taxotere since September, 2002, the session was longer and more cautious. There was a full "teach" to remind me of how to deal with side effects and to be especially careful during the nadir (the 8th to 10th day of each three-week cycle when my white blood cells count will plummet and I'll be vulnerable to infection).

Today I feel fine - I'm pumped up on three days of steroids that help offset more serious side effects - so I've basically given up sleep for a while. As chemotherapy regimens go, Taxotere is one of the more tolerable ones, that's my memory from all those years ago. But I keep remembering that I was ten years younger then - all this time I've been sitting there receiving Herceptin every three weeks just watching the staff grow old - but now it's hit me that I've aged too and chemotherapy may or may not be different this go round.

So Steve worked his crossword puzzle (which I finished for him, smirk, smirk), and I sat and drew and Demi kept vigil. The room is open so there were other patients and their relatives and friends keeping them company. As a ten-year patient I had lots of visitors when staff had free moments. My own oncologist even strolled across the hall for a mug of coffee and a brief chat.

When this regimen ends - late February - I will no longer be a patient there because Herceptin won't be effective on these new tumors (my status changed from Her-2 positive to Her-2 negative, devious as that cancer can be). So what will I do - have to get a post-patient life????? I've been there ten years!

Talk and draw

2011-11-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today was a keeper. I only walked Brix around the block, but I worked for almost five hours, mostly at Juvenile Hall.

The girls couldn't miss my too-short hair so I told them I am preparing for chemo tomorrow. They didn't know I've actually been in chemo for almost ten years (since they were in kindergarten or so) or that I had cancer. I told them that if they laugh at my bald head a few weeks from now I'm gonna break down and cry! They were as loving as they could be, promised to be gentle. Actually, I'll wear hats and wigs and such and try not to freak them out. Several of them have grandmas and aunties who have been through chemo so they understood.

Then we settled down to the topic of the day. It was a huge group - 10 - but went well.

Then I went to the boys' recreational art group and sort of went through the same thing. There were only three guys this week because one is grounded and there's space for one more when someone makes it to Level Three status.

They were fun to draw with. I brought in a handful of Live Oak acorns and practiced on those. Live Oak leaves look sort of like those on holly trees - shiny leathery leaves with pointy, stickery edges. They are green all year, so in the evergreen group even though they don't look like other evergreens at all. Weird, huh? I didn't have any leaves to draw.

I always have dinner with the boys - and have learned to eat with a spork. One of the perks of this group is that we always have dessert -- dessert in Juvenile Hall! -- so it's worth it to behave in order to have one dessert each week. I also give them real 9x12 Strathmore Visual journal books to own and take wherever they go next (home, youth camp, county jail, long-term youth detention facility or a different unit in Juvenile Hall). These are really nice books and true treasures to these kids who have to use rubber pencils in their Juvenile Hall classroom. (This is a maximum security unit.) I bring in a ton of contraband - counted and recounted - and they enjoy painting with paint brushes, using black ink pens, colored pencils, watercolor pencils, stencils, a nice set of real drawing pencils, you know - art supplies! We are in a quiet room to ourselves. But you have to be an honors level kid to get in.....

A good day

2011-11-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

When I was a much younger woman I'd hear mid-life folks discussing their older relatives with comments like, "Oh, you know, she has good days and bad days." Yep, that's what it's like.

On a scale of one to ten yesterday was about a three. I felt nauseous and was in significant pain. Still, I walked the dogs 1-1/3 miles, went to Santa Rosa with Steve to pick up even more medication (45 minutes each way) and we relished in the fall color all through the Valley of the Moon. I picked up as the day went on and probably ate more yesterday than any other day of the week, maybe even got past 500 calories! I read about 30 pages.

Today is awesomely better. Steve is working this morning and left in the dark. When I heard the chickens calling I unlashed the coop and noticed that Raquel has started molting. I was suspicious yesterday, but today I am sure. No eggs from her for a while and she's gonna be shivery cold if she doesn't grow those new feathers in quickly. Our temperatures are getting into the upper 30s these nights.

I groomed some geraniums on the deck and vowed to get that area in order by Thanksgiving Day when the kids and grandkids arrive (two coming from Honolulu). Our deck is enormous - almost 30 feet square - and needs significant sweeping from fall leaves tumbling down and the plants need care. Taking care of plant life, you might remember, is on my list of Six Things I Need to Do Every Day, that I posted a few days ago.

I also need to draw daily - it's on the list - but I haven't been drawing at all for a couple weeks. Today I looked at the corn and pumpkin decoration Steve set up in the living room and snagged a colorful ear of corn to keep me busy for a couple hours. It felt so good to be using a pen for a change! I can't let this cancer thing stop me from drawing - although it might make my hands shake and then I'll have to switch to collage or something.

It's a good day. And that's as far into the future as I'm going to look, just today.

Chicken love

2011-11-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

Whatever meds I'm taking are giving me vivid dreams and the kind of nightmares that Steve has to wake me up. Twice last night.

But today I had to take second place to Rocket. I went outside to visit her and noticed blood all over the pen. She somehow ripped out a nail and was in need of chicken first aid. She was hobbling, favoring her sore toe, but held totally still when Steve put her foot under warm water to clean it and apply some Neosporin.

He was reminding me that when we were in our 20s and he was a seminary student he somehow hadn't envisioned that in his 60s he would be standing at the kitchen sink soothing the toe of a wounded chicken.

You never know about life, do you? I mean, that the gratitude of a chicken will be the high point of your day????

Rock it!

2011-11-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

Steve snapped my photo at the hair salon after Shelley had way too much fun cutting as short as she dared. At least now the fall-out will be in bits and pieces instead of huge clumps.

And then, because today was a better day, we went out for lunch and I ordered my favorite tortilla soup. Isn't it pretty?

New normal

2011-11-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Demi keeps watch over me.

This week I'm working on organizing myself to a new normal. I figure I'll be on chemotherapy until about April, give or take, and I can't play the invalid that long (although I surely have enjoyed it this past couple weeks!). Let's see, at the very least, no matter what, each day I need to
1) walk one mile - it's okay to break it up into sections and grab a dog, especially Brix who thinks he is my boyfriend
2) I need to read at least 50 pages a day - should be no problem now that I have so few activities on my schedule
3) I need to draw or make something every day
4) I definitely need to do some kind of housecleaning project to keep on top of things
5) and it would be good to do some 15 minutes of gardening - inside or out - to maintain a sense of growth and color and life around here and
6) I need to write one letter or postcard to keep my mailbox happy. I have so many thank you notes and snails to write so one a day would at least keep me in motion.

There are hundreds of other things that need doing and I'm still working a few hours each week, but those are the ones that tend to get neglected and then I feel like I can't manage, I'm falling apart, I'm too sick to live without a caretaker, and woe is me. It helps to have a discrete list to keep me focused.

There are only six items, I can manage six, can't I? I mean, it's only chemotherapy....

Reality check: The day began early and well. I grabbed Brix at 7:30 this morning and we got the first seven minutes of walking done, the first third of our mile. The plan was to do more later.

I worked a couple hours.

Then something weird happened -- maybe it's the new meds I'm on because I haven't even started chemo yet, but I was so sick I was sobbing. Near bedtime Steve cooked me a perfect five-minute egg served in an egg cup I brought home from Ireland. He clipped the top, toasted a single slice of bread, and brought it in on a tray with a tiny egg spoon. It was the only thing I could eat all day.

Demi kept watch over me -- not so much as a caretaker as hopeful for a bite -- and I propped up to read.

So my list of six dwindled to one and a third. Tomorrow has to be better!

Feeling better already

2011-11-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

Everybody has their version of chicken soup for the ailing and poorly. Last week, with no appetite whatsoever, Steve took me to our favorite Mexican restaurant where I only wanted a tiny bowl of tortilla soup. An enormous bowl arrived, enough for then and more to take home. It was delicious both times.

This afternoon I wasn't hungry again - I never am - so we went to a local Chinese restaurant and I ordered chicken and noodle soup. This large economy size bowl arrived, thick with udon noodles and something deep and green that I never eat. I scarfed down every drop.

What is it about chicken and broth and things added in that make this the world's best comfort food?

I am scheduled for chemotherapy on Tuesday. I bought my first hat and am trying to get my hair cut before then, something that would make a Marine proud before it falls out in chunks. (sigh)

TLC

2011-11-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

Cancer brings with it a poignancy that regular life misses. It's true, any of us could get hit by a truck on any day, but those of us actively battling cancer are running across the freeway during rush hour with our fingers crossed that we'll make it to the other side. And with that mindset we no longer take anything for granted and the little things take on great meaning.

I was watching Demi and Brix asleep on our bed this evening. They were almost spooning, Brix behind Demi with his arm protectively over her back. I used to think dogs were dogs and didn't have any experience until I was almost 60. That's when I learned that each dog has an individual personality - like macho top-dog Brix with his underbelly of softness to Demi's petite form but independent spirit. They are very different. And that doesn't even count Parisse, who is so different she's off the charts in an autistic world of her own. (Is there such a thing as canine autism? Yes!)

So I look at my dogs tenderly sleeping together and wonder which of us will outlive whom and know I'll be morose no matter how it happens.

Every moment matters.

Hope

2011-11-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

I got disappointing news from my oncologist today when two of the drugs he was planning to prescribe turned out to be ineffective after testing. There are chemotherapy options available for me, several of them, but now there are two less and that's a bummer.

I'm going back to Taxotere, the drug that put me in remission nine years ago. Wouldn't it be great if it would be as effective this time?

My fingers are crossed.

Spooking myself

2011-11-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

I took Rosie's picture this morning. The poor girl has been neglected - by me - Steve cares for her faithfully each morning and evening.

I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around all that is happening, that I'll be starting chemotherapy soon, that I'm no longer in remission and that the situation is serious.

In addition to that, youngest daughter, who is disabled, will be moving to a board and care home later this month. The timing is coincidental as the plan was already in the works before I was diagnosed. She'll only be 20 minutes away in a household of three - two clients and their care provider. Our daughter can't wait as this is something she has wanted for a long time - to get away from parents! - but I'm having so much trouble taking care of myself right now it is a godsend to have her needs provided for.

I have jettisoned so many of my regular activities and obligations that I need to figure out some sort of routine for myself so I'm not so much at loose ends. I can't believe I received the full diagnosis on Halloween!

Getting ready

2011-11-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

The weather shifted today to something wintery with rain on the way. I worked a few hours but was in enough pain to take medication and later fell asleep.

I'll be glad when the treatment plan is in place. One test takes a while to "cook" but gives valuable information so the wait is worth it.

I gave formal notice to several organizations that I won't be available to participate so my world is shrinking, but I know how necessary it will be to have time for medical appointments and recovery time.

Goodbye art classes, goodbye parks and docent training and leading tours. Just can't maintain the pace right now.

Lazy Mary, will you get up!

2011-11-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

I have been unloading my schedule to prepare for upcoming chemotherapy and playing the invalid. Translation: I've been lounging around in my jammies, reading on the sofa, watching too much television and playing online solitaire.

It's unfortunate that I enjoy this play acting so much! But I am in mild pain, taking narcotics, sleeping and watching the world from my window instead of being out amongst them.

I had yet another doctor's appointment today, but it was by phone so I didn't have to move very far.

Tomorrow I'll start pulling it together... that's the plan.

Yuk!

2011-11-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

The wind is howling something fierce all of a sudden, like some major storm is whipping up. I don't think rain is expected until Thursday but limbs and twigs are going to be pelting down with the gale force winds I'm hearing now.

Steve and I met with a dietician this morning to get some tips on how I can cram in some nutrition when I frankly never want to see food again. One of the lesions is on my diaphragm and I think that's the one that rebels against dinner. I feel like some old lady sipping my Ensure, but frankly, that's the only thing that's half-way palatable these days. The dietician was helpful and came up with lots of suggestions to help us - and especially Steve, the chief cook and caretaker. I've never been so un-hungry.

Down at the mouth

2011-10-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

I received the worst possible news from the oncologist today. The CT scan showed metastases in four different sites, enough that a systemic chemotherapy regimen will be ordered. I'm in mild pain, but have medication to control that.

I have reduced my work load some and will bow out of some other activities because I know I won't be able to manage once the chemo is started.

Let's just say this wasn't my best day.

Cool, calm and Sunday

2011-10-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

It doesn't get much calmer than this. Youngest Daughter has been trying out a Board and Care home for the past 24 hours so Steve and I have been rattling around the house all by ourselves. Well, ourselves and three dogs, one cat and five chickens outside. It still feels exceedingly quiet around here.

How exciting! We actually went out on a date! I don't know when we last went to a restaurant, but, with no one needing looking after at home we were free to take a mile walk together and sit down to a served meal in pleasant surroundings. We also slept in - no blood glucose to check - and so we got moving at our leisure. I accomplished very little - high energy yesterday, almost none today - but I also had no obligations so it was okay to move slowly.

Tomorrow, however, I have a planner full of have-tos. Hope it all works out.

Facing cancer

2011-10-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't received the results from yesterday's CT scan yet and won't until at least Monday. That's plenty enough time for me to go totally bananas-bonkers and I'm showing signs of it already. I coughed - must be mets in the lungs. I hiccuped, oh, it's landed in my esophagus. And so it goes. Having a test hanging out there unread is all it takes for my imagination to get the best of me.

Youngest Daughter has an overnight scheduled tonight to try out a Board-and-Care facility for disabled adults. That's a way of saying that Steve and I have a 24-hour respite, the first in I don't know how long. I hope it works out because she really wants to move on and, at 38, it's about time. It's sort of a case of can't live with her, can't live without her. I'll be missing her this whole night.

Steve bought pumpkins for Halloween and I've noticed some yard decorations in the neighborhood. This is a favorite time of year for us. The vineyards are stunning in their colors, but the days are still comfortably warm with nights in the 30s. Some rain would be nice, but I can't complain about the clear blue skies.

Have a nice rest of the weekend, Everyone!

I know the feeling

2011-10-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

Demi is a certified social therapy dog and is allowed to be on a dog bed on the floor of my office. But this is not Demi.

Brix is not allowed in my office, but when I walked by the open door I noticed he was already on the couch waiting for his therapist to arrive. I didn't have the heart to remove him.

Yesterday I had a bone scan and today I got the results - stable, no new progressions. So whatever is going on - and there are scores of lesions in my bones - no new ones have taken up residency. This was the best possible outcome and made me very happy.

Tomorrow I'll have a CT scan and have my fingers crossed for the same outcome. If that happens my oncologist would be accurate to call this recurrence a minor setback. Unfortunately I probably won't know the results until Monday, but I'm feeling well and have reason to be hopeful.

I should go into my office and tell Brix all about it.

Head's in a whirl

2011-10-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing happened at the doctor's office this morning. The final pathology report had just arrived and further testing has confirmed that I do not have bladder cancer, just new metastases of breast cancer to the bladder.

That's rather unusual. Breast cancer migrates to the bones (all of mine), to the liver (got mine) and to the lungs and brain (not yet). None of the infusion nurses had ever heard of breast mets to the bladder.

The oncologist called it "a minor setback." I need another CT scan and a new bone scan for restaging - to see if there is progression anywhere else. Based on those results an alternative treatment plan can be developed. It may be only a daily pill, or it may be more systemic chemotherapy.

In the meantime, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin' - I just know I'm back in more familiar territory and I'm glad for that.

Day at a time

2011-10-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting for the pathology report which holds a lot of information about my future. The first one was inconclusive so another lab in San Francisco will do more studies. Then I'll know if I need chemotherapy and what kind or if another type of treatment is indicated.

In the meantime, I've tapered off the pain medication so I should be more alert soon and sleeping less.

I have nothing scheduled until Monday and should be feeling fairly normal by then.

Cleverness shared

2011-10-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

Look at the get well card my watercolor teacher delivered this afternoon! Inside are all the signatures of my classmates. Last month we learned how to paint skies - so here's an example of what you can do with a practice piece - add balloons over the margins and lift up someone's heart. I am so pleased!!!

Like waiting in a bus station

2011-10-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

Surgery was yesterday and I was home by late afternoon, much later than I had been led to believe but I was quite wobbly and had trouble waking up. Today I feel awful and that's all I can say. I'm taking every pain med allowed on the moment it is allowed and wish I had more. I didn't expect the recovery part to be this difficult. I'm hanging on the phone for the pathology report, but it wasn't promised until maybe Friday. I am concerned about the stage, depth, possible chemotherapy, invasiveness, etc. Once I have that report in my hot little hands I can google every single word and get a clearer picture of what's happening. Everyone seems so hopeful and, for some reason, I don't. Is that anxiety or a deeper knowledge?

Out of commission/See you tomorrow

2011-10-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

Feeling better

2011-10-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

I worked a regular Monday, both with clients in my office and with the kids at Juvenile Hall. I'll have the next couple days off and that's probably all I'll need - and I'll have a three-day weekend in any case.

I'm all set for tomorrow and expect to be home by 1:00 - that can't be too bad, right?

I appreciate your many notes, prayers and emails in support of me tomorrow. I'll be fine, I'm sure of it.

Down to the count

2011-10-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to do better with surgery only two days away and some hope that this situation will resolve. What I don't know is the type and stage of this new cancer and whether further treatment will be necessary. I probably won't have that information for a week or so.

The weather has been gorgeous, lovely October days. I haven't been walking every single day as I did for 150 days without missing - until it rained and I wimped out, but I walk more days than not whichs helps. I've missed some classes and will probably miss several more, but my classes are for my own interest, not because I'm pursuing another degree, so I can cut myself some slack.

Two more days, that's all....

On the couch

2011-10-14T18:27:00.001-07:00

My Korean Deli by Ben Ryder Howe
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I'm as little an entrepreneur as this author so I was fascinated when such an unlikely candidate decided to buy and run a local deli in Brooklyn. There were reasons for the decision - helping his Korean mother-in-law stabilize her income and to provide for himself and his wife plus a fair amount of burnout as a senior editor of the Paris Review. There are innumerable threads to follow - the interracial and bicultural marriage, the Brooklyn neighborhood and its regulars, the business and trials encountered in the learning curve, the stings and local politics of New York City, working with George Plimpton and the Review, and so on. I read eagerly and was fascinated by the various twists in seeing a family grow and change.

View all my reviews

Wrongly focused

2011-10-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Belle

I wish I was a cat or dandelion or something that lives in the moment more easily than I do. I obsess, they don't - unless it's about food or something tangible.

Brix, family top dog, obsesses about his territory, the safety of the household and about any female dogs that walk by the house. But then it's all off his mind until the next threat to his status or he sees an attractive opportunity. I, on the other hand, obsess in between prompts and triggers, I mean, I never miss a chance to really obsess!